Very Unusual Character Interview.

This is a re-post from my hilarious friend's, Sue Morris, blog site. Her interview questions are very creative, and, sometimes, a bit unusual. If you have read my books, this character interview should get you chuckling.

Kid lit Reviews would like to welcome some of the cast of characters from The Adventures of Pen Pieyu, Book 2: Sir Princess Petra’s Talent. They rode onto the studio set and demanded, uh requested, an interview–a long interview–and we are more than peeved, uh pleased, to bring that to you now. **before Snarls burns down the set**

Snarls the Dragon, I heard, from a reliable source, you were not going to be in book 2. How did you change the author’s mind?

Where do you people get your information? That’s not true! You are celebrity hounding!  I was always and will always and forever and ever be in that humiliating-me-by-making-me-wear-a-pink-tasseled-saddle writer’s books!  **snort** . . . oops . . . **fire & smoke**. . . errrrr . . . . ouch!

“Writer’s” books. Do you not know the name of your writer and best friend?

Yah, I know her name. “Diane The Embarrasser.”

Folks have been calling her “Diane the Embarrassed!”  *hehe*

~~~~

Sir Princess Petra, what would have been your steed had Snarls not been in book 2?

Well, the royal mule, Heinz Backfire, is quite fuzzy and cute, and he’s not even very mulely-like—he listens. Well, he is a little stinky, and a bit short, but he’s not a fire hazard, you know what I mean?. . . hmm . . . I might have picked him.

Snarls,  any response to this?

What?? (crossing arms, looking the other way) NO!!! YES!! Heinzy Backfire does nothing but backfire air out his rear end. What kind of steed does that? Sheesh!

Uh, one that does not blow fire out of its nose?!

~~~~

Princess Petra, do you have any nicknames by other kids, maybe something like, perhaps, “PP?”

You’re funny. Why would anybody call me ‘PP’?  That would be rude. My initials are P.B.L. for Petra Brettania Longstride named after my Nan, Brettania May Longstride. You know, the storyteller. NOBODY calls me ‘PP’ and gets very far around here. Are you calling me, ‘PP’? Or are you just asking?

Why, just asking, of course, your highness, er  Your Knightly Highness.

All the better for you, I’d think.

Uh, okay, okay. Snarls, any nicknames?

No, but some people call Petra . . . ready for it? . . . Coyote.

Why Coyote? Does she occasionally howl?

Of course I don’t howl. I’m a knight! Well, I do have very messy hair–I think that’s why they call me Coyote. What kind of knight has time for silly nice hair?                                            

~~~~

Princess Petra, this question is for Snarls.  Story Book Times ran a feature– Excuse me! Who are you?

I am the King’s magician **waving arms around** and I am here to stop this nonsense!

Someone get this clown out of here.

Hey, let go of me! Why I–

Thanks Bograt.         

As I was saying. Story Book Times ran a feature story on the writing of book 2 and mentioned your behavior, specifically you went missing for long periods of time during the editing phase, causing a longer release date. What do have to say about this?

Well, I nearly had my foot chopped off by a wayward axe—that took awhile to heal. Then I had a crocodile to train at my cousin’s house. After that, Snarls had a bad rash on his backside that he couldn’t reach and I had to take care of . . .oh, you were asking Snarls.

Yes , Princess, again, the question is for Snarls.

Thanks a lot, “PP”. Way to go. Let the world know about my, umm . . . predicament. Darn nasty, itchy rash had me floating in the moat for weeks.                                                                   

~~~~

Princess Petra, this question is for you. You have met many oddball characters on your trips through the forest. Who is your favorite, least favorite and why?

Now look what you started? You got Snarls calling me “PP”. Really! I shouldn’t even answer your questions anymore if you’re going to make trouble. **thinking**  I guess I like Prince Nastybun the most because he danced with me. I don’t like that giant hawk that lives in The Forest of Doom—that hawk thinks he can just dive-bomb people. And besides, that hawk hangs out with a bunch of bees. I hate bees.

Thank you, and I am so sorry Snarls has adopted the nickname PP, your Highness PP.

Are you calling me “PP” and laughing at me?

I am laughing your magician over there, waving his hands like he has powers outside the book.

He is my father’s magician, not mine. Knights do not need magicians.

Snarls, who are your favorites and why?

I like Bograt. She doesn’t yammer on and on, and she likes onions, and I like onions. I need onions so I can create my world-famous onion recipes. You do know that I have a world-famous-onion-chef resume, right? I don’t much care for King Asterman—he’s kind of uptight, you know?

So, this King Asterman does not like any of your onion recipes? Speaking of onion recipes, what is the most common reaction when others eat your concoctions?

Well, of course, he does, everybody loves my cooking! I’m a world renowned chef  . . . what did you hear about my concoctions?

Uh, King Asterman, he said—

King Asterman is a blunder head!

Hm. Moving on. King Longstride,  what is it like having a daughter who is also a knight? Petra is the first female knight and the first knight–the only knight–in the Kingdom?

It’s tough. What can I say? We’ve tried and tried to get her to behave like a normal princess—nada, nothing, not happening. If this is what the next generation is going to be like, well, the soldiers will put on aprons and girls will be fighting evil forces. It’s preposterous! I don’t know what the world is coming to!

Your Kingship, since the world has always been run by men, up to this point, and your kingdom is a mess, with dragons as steeds and all, would it not be worth a try having females run the things and have the males take over the household?

Little girl, my kingdom is not a mess! You are a loony! 

I beg your pardon!

It is so granted!

Huh? I wasn’t asking for forgiveness.  **never again will I interview characters. who’s loony?**

My wife, the Queen, has fainted at your aside. How dare you!

Sorry?

 ~~~~

Okay. King Longstride, your Queen is awake. Now tell us, why all the Royal Rule Book changes?  The first in centuries?

Hello Dear. Feeling better, dear? To answer your silly question, how else should a king deal with this Princess Knight fiasco—the first ever?

“Princess fiasco.” Your daughter has broken through the stone ceiling!

Yah, that’s it. Tell a king how to run his kingdom, will you? Why, if you ever visit, you’ll be thrown into the dungeons to think about your silliness for a while.

Good thing I am not in your kingdom then, which is not real, by the way.

NOT REAL! BLASPHEMY! You know not of what you say.

Speak.

Do not tell me when to talk!

No, the phrase is “You know not of what you SPEAK.”

SPEAK! How dare this creature. Check the Rule Book on dealing with horrible creatures outside of the kingdom, AT ONCE!

~~~~

Speaking of your rule book, again, have you been able to accomplish your goals with these changes and additions to the book? 

Not yet, but the royal magician and the royal councilman have agreed to put their great minds together and come up with something fast, or else!

“Or else” sounds drastic. I am surprised a King of your stature would rely on magicians and politicians to take care of a problem, let alone a perceived problem about your princess.

**whispering to royal councilman** Find out where she lives and bring her to me.

~~~~

So King,  you and your wife cannot handle your daughter and this “troubling” problem (troubling in that there is really no problem). Petra is a knight. A knight protects the kingdom. Petra is a princess and will be the next Queen, whose job it is to protect the kingdom. Where is the problem?  The two careers are basically the same.

No problem, you say?  **whispering to royal magician** (whiisss, isssss, whissssy)

Get the magic man off the stage.  Nice try King.

**whispering** (Is she right? No, yes, which is it? What do you mean she makes sense! You run the, uh, you write the royal rule book. Oh, my! Then what should I say?)

.Is there something you would like to say, your Majesty?

No. Yes, there is! *whispering* Yes, I want to say that Petra is a great Princess, but we do not need any knights in my kingdom. Problem solved.

Really, your kingdom does not need protection?

Maybe at night, but Petra’s bedtime is 9 PM. She cannot patrol the grounds.

.

Daddy! Snarls watches over the kingdom at night.

.

.

There then! No knights needed. Petra hang up your costume. No further books are needed. The series is done! This “interview” is done!

.

.

King Longstride, sir! You do not have control over the series. You are my character and exist at my leisure.

.

Who is this woman? Why is she telling me what will happen?

King Longstride, she is your author.

My what?!

Your author. She writes your story, controls what you do, what you say, and also for everyone else in and out of your kingdom.

So, she controls you!  Don’t faint dear, it will be alright. Royal Councilman, catch my wife!

Ah, no, only the characters in her books, like you.

I am no one’s CHARACTER! You shall be fined for such slander!

~~~~

Send me a bill. Moving on, who influenced you to make these royal rulebook changes and why did you give in to her, uh him?

Why do you presume that my wife can tell me what to do? I am the king! Who told you such a thing? Did she tell you that?

I did not mention the Queen.  Could this ghost ruler be Bograt, or the maybe the magician you just whispered to? Who are you hiding? Another author?

NO! I am the king! I can do what I want! Stop pestering me! GUARDS!

Let’s ask your wife. Queen Longstride, how do you feel about your daughter trailblazing for all woman by being the first knight in any kingdom?

Ohhhhh, I don’t feel so good . . .

Do you need a doctor?  A magician? A councilman-politician?

I need my daughter to act like a princess! . . . ohhhhh, everything’s twirling, twirling . . .

~~~~

Queen Longstride are your fainting spells due to a real condition or is this your attempt to manipulate Petra?

PLOP!

She is out like a light, again!  And on my foot. Can someone remove the Queen from my foot?

.

Royal councilman, here, poke her with this scepter.

Thank you, King Longstride.

~~~~

Yes, Snarls, I am coming back to you. How do you feel about the following statements:

1. You are an impatient dragon.

That’s not true, I am not imp. . . whatever.

2. You are a gourmet cook who loves to binge on Mars Bars.

You news hounds, you’re all alike. Okay, I’ll tell you a story. I went to visit this girl I like—her name is, Babbling Suzy, and she doesn’t cook. All she had was these Mars Bars things to eat.  Now, through no fault of my own, I am (shhhh) an addict. We don’t have Mars Bars things here. I’m crawling out of my hide. I NEED THEM. HELP!

Uh, yes or no would have been okay! Blaming others for the crack in your character. Is this the real reason the editing took so long? {Corrected the response, which was fine, since that is how I talk but you wanted it changed so I changed it. Now please stop threatening to pull the interview. okay, Ms. picky author?!}

Why NO!

Were the long absences due to your addiction?

NO!!

Were you on a chocolate binge when the author was trying to edit the last few pages and needed your help?

NO!! Okay, okay, okay already! It’s not Babbling Suzy’s fault! That’s what you want to hear, right?

~~~~

Princess Petra seems to walk next to you on much of her journeys, rather than ride. Illustrations often prove this. Hey! Don’t argue, just answer please. And no fire!

Oh My Holy Grail, you are annoying! Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s kind of embarrassing. Will you keep it hush-hush?

Sure. *rolling eyes*

It’s that ridiculous rash thing–it’s all over my backend and backside. I just can’t seem to get rid of it—even with the royal magician’s special salve. I think I might be allergic-like to the pink-tassel saddle. Considering the rash is embarrassing enough, just think how I feel about wearing a pink-tasseled thing?

A rash, you say. And you went to a magician to help with this rash.

Of course. Where else would the author send me?

Hm,  to a doctor in the dragon world, your world?

Yes I can, but I’m not going to. Ha!

Again with the magician! Really, your powers do not work outside of the book.   Didn’t the author explain this to you?

I’ll get it right sooner or later.

What spell are you trying to cast?

I’m testing out a spell where the villain’s toes fall off. Ha,ha!

And you think I am a villain?

Who said anything about you? Now that I know you may be a villain, that spell should come in handy.

I am simply a book blog hostess, asking questions of characters in a new book.

What’s a blog hoser, er. . . um . . . hostess?

You do realize you are just a character, a figment of your author’s imagination?

The king is right—you are silly!

~~~~

Sir Princess Petra, please give us a hint about what is to happen in book 3?

It is about time you called me by my official name. Now, Father has written new rules, I know he has. On his writing desk, I glimpsed the words: Mission; Falling-Off Toes; The Kingdom of the Boogy Gobees; and Carpenters (whatever that is). Who knows what’s up. I’ll be ready. Ha!

I am sure you will, your Knightly Highness, I am sure you will.  How many more books before your story is finished? 

I’m in a story? Whoa!

Whoa, indeed! You are a figment of an author’s imagination (in case you were not reading the last question).  

.

**whispering to royal councilman**  What in all the kingdom is she talking about?

~~~~

Thank you for reading this interview. I want to thank the Pen Pieyu characters for stop–  What? Really? *sigh*

Okay. Okay, Alright!  Snarls, here is your last question. Because of a rock you became the royal steed.

That’s a statement!

**why did I agree to this**  Here is a question. How did that rock trap your tail in book 1?

Really? Do you have to know everything? . . . Okay, I’ll tell you. It was my first real fire-blast from my nostrils. And it was big, I mean, HUGE! Very professional. That is until the blast hit the rocks above my cave. Darn embarrassing predicament I got into there.

I’ll say it’s embarrassing.  Speaking of embarrassing, why can you not control your fire?

Well, actually, I was an early fire-breather—just 3 years old. That could be the reason the fire is not so, well, refined yet.

An early fire-breathing dragon?

OH, you wrote the question wrong and so I misunderstood it.

Really?!

Okay, truth is I was a late-fire breather, according to the dragon growth chart. My aim in not yet perfected and sometimes when I sneeze . . . ah-ah-CHOO!

.

Ah, crud! SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, QUICK!!

~~~~ 

Well, thank you, I think, for stopping by! *and ruining the set*

.

What, my dear, did you say?

I said thank you, King Longstride and company, for stopping by what . . . is . . . left . . . of the set.

Oh, you are welcome, dear. 

Me, too. Sniff-sniff, So sorry. And this was my first interview.

*And your last.*  Hey! Watch the fire, pal!

Thank you for having us. I apologize for my trusted steed, Snarls. He really makes a better steed than a dragon. Please read our newest book in the Adventures of Pen Pieyu, Book 2:  Sir Princess Petra’s (that’s me) Talent.

You can get a copy at Amabiga, Barbs & Nobility, and the Castle Gift Shop. Oh, and probably a few places in your world, too.

ALL ILLUSTRATIONS BY SAMANTHA KICKINGBIRD, the official illustrator for The Adventures of Pen Pieyu Series.

To read an excerpt from Book 2 of the Pen Pieyu Adventures: Sir Princess Petra’s Talent, click HERE!

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For more information of my dragon books for children:

http://www.dragonsbook.com